[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.