Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Has science gone too far?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️