there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.