Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?