So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
when u come home smelling like another dog
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I hate everything
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My brain is a bad influence on me
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.