I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
You Might Also Like
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.