The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Before crowbars crows drank alone
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
When I snag the last meatball.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.