You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.