This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*