Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.