“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You Might Also Like
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Spell check is for lasers.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.