ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
That’s fair
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.