Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
You Might Also Like
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Strangers have the best candy.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches