Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.