Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong