Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.