Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic