Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.