what the
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.