The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Sign of the day..
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
no their not
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh