when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.