Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
just witnessed a drug deal
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.