Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.