The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.