RT if you know someone like this!!!
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world