I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.