Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Cat is stressing him out.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…