“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.