Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1