My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me when my alarm goes off
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.