anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
dream blunt rotation
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
no refunds
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom