I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
craving $300 all of a sudden
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook