“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
You Might Also Like
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.