The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Unimpressed
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
hmmm
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m not lazy
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.