*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The first matador
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.