If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it