Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.