wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.