Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama