You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
when dads have a rap battle
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*