Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
NASA has no chill
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!