*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.