Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom