My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.