teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
japanese corn
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color