I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve