Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You deplete me
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?