Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.