First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.