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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I’m sure it’s fine.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
💻🤡
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook